Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
