my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
