i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
