12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
