I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize