If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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