I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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