fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
