pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm sobbing to NWA
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
