are you so shy because you have an std?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
