I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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