at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
