I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
