he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize