Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
