His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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