i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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