I'm so fucking centered right now
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
