I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
