Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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