if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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