the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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