I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
she told me i tasted like america
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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