can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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