If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
