1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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