we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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