I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
