If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
