If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize