Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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