I'm eating all of the evidence.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
