He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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