Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
