I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
