He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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