I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
