everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
