My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
