I need to stop coming to work sober
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
