I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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