During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize