Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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