i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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