so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Randomize
