I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
