I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
