You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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