Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
