Don't make out with my wife yet
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Operation Purity has been aborted
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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