dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
