mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
