Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
