i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
