So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Vodka?
Forever.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
