just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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