My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
